Tony AKA THE MAN. (kazara) wrote,

December 19th. Already. Winter depression?

I have some questions I want people to be honest about. When I say 'honest', I don't just mean telling the truth. I also mean not skipping over this entry without commenting regardless of what you think. I also don't mean not telling me the whole truth. If you don't feel like telling me everything or why, just say a one word answer. You could even say 'a little'. I'm just curious.

Am I a jerk? Am I becoming a jerk? Have I lost my touch? Am I funny anymore? Am I not a fun person to talk to?

Seriously, I'm wondering that. A lot of stuff I do is still going un-noticed and it's really annoying to see. I see a lot of liars say, "No, this isn't a beg for attention". Well guess what? This is. I live and thrive for attention. For me, live is about living for the moment, and I strive for it if you know what I mean. Put me in a room full of people, and I'm going to try and be the loudest, the funniest, and try my damndest to entertain people.

You are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time. You can be easily upset, even by what people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional. Novelty, variety, and change spice up your life and make you a curious, imaginative, and creative person. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

I still remember to this day a report on my after an extensive personality test. I said it fit me to a T then, and I say it fits me to a T now. I think the differences between than and now are that while I feel I can express myself much better and more articulately, I feel as if I'm not as happy as I used to be. A lot of things contribute to that, including jealousy, which lead me down a road of chain reactions that lead to me calling someone something which resulted in a friendship to go south. I think I'm simply a natrual-born entertainer, and not unlikely to that sort of personality, I hate rejection in any form. If I say a joke and it doesn't go over, I don't take it well. If I'm ignored, I freak. I hate absolutely nothing more in life than being ignored. Sometimes it's the way to go for people and it's understandable, but I'm just not the type of person who travels that road. My view on it is that even resorting to name-calling and insults is much better than ignoring when it comes to dealing with situations. It brings out emotions and helps to understand the feelings behind the person and how they feel. Comparing two types of friends of mine, I have someone with who I scuffled with, chose the path of ignorance, and nothing has been working out since. I have a friend I seldom scuffle with, but it's worked out through emotion and talking. It's really the best medicene. What's ignoring do? When a person ignores me, all I want to do is scrape the ice cubes off their cold shoulder. If you're trying to do something and someone is being annoying, I think it's best to ignore. But when you're trying to work something out Nay nay. So rejection aside, I try to be there for people. I know I sometimes let my personal demons such as jealousy, bitterness, and irritablity get the best of me, but I really don't want that. I feel as if on the internet, on certain fourms, in real life, in my "IRL" and "Internet" circles of friends, in this livejournal, in this entry, and in this run-on sentance, that I've painted a self- portrait that looks nothing like me. I just hope in the eyes of many, I'm not this irritable person who's always the first "go-to-guy" when something annoying rears it's head. Regardless of what version of me people see, I just want them to see the great friend, and the caring, funny, version of me that's willing to do anything to make someone smile.

Whew! It seems that regardless of the content, I'm finally using this journal as a way to express my true emotions in a way that I like. It only took me quite some time. XD

In other news, it's December 19th and we don't have a Christmas tree yet!
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